As I prepare for Christmas, awareness has transported me back to some of the places I have visited this past year and forced me to look again at faces I have seen. One face in particular is that of a man who died at the hands of Pol Pot’s Khmer Rouge in Cambodia. The only record of his existence is a black and white photograph taken on December 10, 1978. His photograph is on display at Security Office 21, located in the heart of Phnom Penh. Originally a school, the Khmer Rouge turned this campus into a place of torture. The date on the photograph reminds me that every day of the year, some unfortunate human being is suffering in some place on the planet. The man in the photograph on display at S-21 reminds me that I must live each day with greater awareness of atrocities that are happening in our world.

   Awareness also whispers in my ear at night. It speaks to me in the voice of a woman I met in Uganda who cares for young girls rescued from the unspeakable horrors and indignity of a life of forced prostitution. Awareness speaks to me in the voice of a man I met in India who choked back tears and could not speak about the violent deaths of young girls trafficked to work in filthy brothels. Awareness will not let me forget that for many in our world, December 25 will be no different than any other day of the year. They will not know its Christmas. And, very little of the 450 billion we will spend on Christmas this year will reach them. Christmas will be just another day of suffering, despair, danger, and death for these unfortunate individuals.

   Jesus came to make a difference — to rescue us from the domain of darkness and transfer us to His kingdom of light (Col. 1:13). As Christ-followers we must join Him in making a difference in our world. But we cannot hope to make a difference if we are unaware of the needs and the plight of others. Please join me in living with awareness and in allowing awareness to lead us to compassionate action on behalf of the least of these and the oppressed. This Christmas, let’s replace consumption with compassion and “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly, defend the rights of the poor and needy” (Prov. 31:8-9).

   Over the years I have officiated at lots of funerals and talked with lots of people about living with loss and grief. I have walked quietly beside others after funeral services, in the difficult days after flowers have faded and friends have departed — in the days marked by denial, anger, sadness, and more. And now, I am walking that road. Progress is slow. Some days I take two steps forward and one step back. If I live another fifty years, I know that I will never get over losing my beautiful Mom. My only option is to learn to live with her absence. I’ve already had days when I have been so overwhelmed by emotion that I have cried out to God, asking Him to tell me how I can live the rest of my life with the pain of her absence. And, He has answered by giving me the grace to live through another day. I know that His grace is sufficient and that He will continue to supply what I need, one day at a time.

   Grief is a normal and natural response to loss. It’s the emotional pain we feel when someone we love or something we depend on is taken away. If you do a Google search on the grief process you will find many helpful articles. I do not want to restate what has already been written about loss and grief. Instead, I want to write about how I am dealing with the loss of my Mom at this particular time. Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience. There is no right or wrong way to grieve nor a specified time table in which to work through our grief. Everyone who grieves will experience similar emotions and reactions but not necessarily in the same way. So, how I am handling my grief is the way I am handling my grief and not a prescription or pattern for others to follow. Here is what I have experienced over the past month.

Realization | The toughest thing for me has been dealing with the realization that I will not see my Mom again on this side of heaven. King David understood this when he lost a child. After the death of his baby he remarked to his servants, “I shall go to him, but he will not return to me” (2 Sam. 12:23). Because I believe the promises of God’s Word, I grieve with hope — believing that my Mom is safe in the arms of the Lord Jesus whom she loved. Mom cannot return to me, but I will go to her one day.

Celebration | One of the things that has helped me through these difficult days is reflecting on all of the great memories I have. I was privileged to enjoy a wonderful and secure childhood with parents who loved each other and who loved each of their children. When my mind is not focused on something else, it defaults to thinking about Mom and all that she did to make my childhood and growing-up years so meaningful. I am thankful for so many good memories to celebrate. Writing about Mom is helping me to work through my grief.

Conversation | I am thankful for all of the friends who have called, written cards and e-mails, and who have personally taken the time to chat with me. So many have shared with me about losing a parent and have testified to how God has helped them. Each of these friends has said the same thing, “It’s been x-number of years, and I still miss my (parent).” I have been encouraged to hear others share and celebrate their special memories. And, I am especially thankful for those who have just listened.

Dedication | I know the things that pleased my Mom and made her happy. It has helped me to rededicate or reaffirm my commitment to those things — all of which are things pleasing to God. I always tried to honor and respect my Mom when she was alive. I am committed to those same values after her death and would not want to do anything to dishonor her memory.

Inspiration | Reading the Scriptures is essential to coping with loss and dealing with grief. I have especially enjoyed reading the Psalms. David and the other writers of the Psalms understood loss, grief, and pain. Their words not only speak to me, they also speak for me. I have taken the words of the psalmists, made them my own, and offered them to God in prayer.

   It has only been a short time since Mom died. I have only taken a few short steps since her death and still have a lifetime to go. I understand that the grieving process takes time and cannot be forced or hurried. I will be patient. And, I am thankful that I do not have to walk this difficult road alone. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; for Thou art with me” (Ps. 23:4).

W = Welcome | One of the key reasons people get into trouble is because they do not build accountability into their lives. Many people prefer to surround themselves with those who will either always agree with them or are too timid to confront them. That’s dangerous! We must welcome friends into our lives that have our permission to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15) and to wound us, when necessary. We need to live life in perspective. That means listening to those who are able to see things in us that we cannot see in ourselves or easily overlook and dismiss.

O = Open | When a trusted friend wounds you, be open to what they have to say. A good friend generally has your best interests at heart. There are more than enough timid people who would rather kiss-up than there are people who care about you enough to speak the truth in love. So, embrace and be open to those who love you enough to wound you.

U = Understand | Understand that the one who wounds you also experiences a heaviness of heart. It’s not easy telling a friend what they need to hear. Most people are not wired to confront and struggle when they know they will have to do so. When a friend cares enough about you to wound you, take a moment to consider how difficult it must have been for them to do so.

N = New | One of the best things about feedback from trusted friends is that it gives us the information we need in order to stay on course, to make course corrections, and to help us move in a new direction. Think of a friend who loves you enough to wound you as a mirror. We get feedback every time we look in the mirror. And, people who are smart make necessary adjustments after looking in the mirror. You may not like what you see reflected back to you through your friend’s feedback, but be smart enough to do the right thing.

D = Defensive | Resist the temptation to be defensive or to excuse or rationalize your present course. Take a deep breath. Listen prayerfully. Ask the Lord to help you process what you have heard, however painful it may be. While most people love to learn, they hate to be taught. Teaching includes feedback and criticism. Apart from the feedback of those who care deeply for us, we can easily lose our way or continue down destructive paths.

S = Strength | Look for the positive in what you might initially perceive to be a negative experience. Harness the feedback of a faithful friend and allow it to make you stronger. Thank God for those who love you enough to wound you. And, thank your friend for being courageous enough to take a risk by speaking the truth to you in love.

As I look back through the years, I can pinpoint many painful experiences when a friend or friends cared enough about me to wound me. I hate to think of where I might be today had they kissed-up rather than getting fed up with my actions or behaviors that were harming me and others. I am a stronger and more stable person today because of these friends. And, I have learned to see each wound as a signature of love.

Consistency over Compromise | People of integrity choose consistency over compromise. At no time is our integrity better put to the test than when nobody is looking. We are most easily tempted to relax our standards and to compromise when we are alone and away from public scrutiny. However, that’s when we must choose consistency over compromise. And, we should always remember that we are never truly alone because God is always watching (Ps. 139:1-3; 2 Chron. 16:9) and integrity is important to Him (1 Chron. 29:17). Someone observed that character is what we are when nobody is looking — or when we think nobody is looking. Warren Wiersbe relates an account of Dr. Will H. Houghton who pastored the Calvary Baptist Church in New York City and later served as president of Chicago’s Moody Bible Institute. Wiersbe said that when Dr. Houghton became Pastor of the Baptist Tabernacle in Atlanta, someone hired a man to follow him around and report on his conduct. After a few weeks the man reported that Dr. Houghton’s life matched his preaching and that he lived an honest life both in public and in private. Proverbs 10:9 states, “The man of integrity walks securely, but he who takes crooked paths will be found out.”

Honesty over Duplicity | People of integrity choose honesty over duplicity. There is an old backwoods story about a farmer who needed an extra hand for a moment. Seeing a well-dressed stranger, the farmer approached him and said, “Will you watch my mule for a moment?” The stranger quickly replied, “Sir, I’ll have you know that I’m a member of the U.S. Congress.” To which the farmer replied, “Oh, that’s all right. I’ll trust you anyway.” Proverbs 11:3 states, “The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.”  Integrity means keeping our promises and doing what we say we will do. Expressions of days gone by reveal the higher place integrity once held in our society, expressions such as, “He’s as good as his word,” or “His handshake is all you need.” Imagine what our society would look like if we no longer valued promise-keeping and honesty or doing what we say we will do. Our very lives depend on the honesty of others — from the person who fills our prescriptions to the person who works on our brakes to the people who manage our money. So we must choose honesty and pray that others choose to be honest as well. We must honor our word and resist the temptation to choose duplicity.

Accountability over Corruptibility | People of integrity choose accountability over corruptibility. Integrity is monitored and maintained by accountability. It is too easy for us to rationalize and excuse behavior and to lose perspective in times of adversity and prosperity. That’s why we need to build checks and balances into our lives and surround ourselves with friends who will hold us accountable. Proverbs 27:6 states, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.” We need to give permission to those who love us to wound us and to hold us accountable. We can’t always see what is crawling up our back, but others can. We need others because we all have blind spots. There are areas of our lives we think are safe from danger when in reality are being threatened with destruction. Accountability is not always easy but absolutely necessary if we aspire to live with integrity.

Perspective | We often mistakenly think that risk is something that is found in greater degrees in other places, especially dangerous places. As a result we often overlook the fact that we also are exposed to risk at home. When I first started traveling to difficult places, I mentioned to my Dad that someone had commented on how foolish I was to expose myself to such risks. “Son, don’t be afraid to go,” replied my Dad. “Yes, you might get hurt, but remember that you can just as easily slip in your bathtub at home and break your neck!” My Dad was right. I am not necessarily any safer here than there.

Helen Keller noted, “Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” Helen Keller was right. We must keep in mind that we are always taking risks in life, no matter where we are. As a young traveler, I often heard my mentor Dr. Rudy Hernandez say, “I am immortal until God is finished with me.” I have often thought about those words. They have given me the courage to walk down many roads less traveled.

Progress | Progress always involves risk. You cannot get to second base if you insist on keeping one foot on first base. Making a move from first to second base exposes a player to the possibility of failure. To put it another way, someone noted that a ship in the harbor may be safe, but that’s not what ships were built for. Unless we are willing to lose sight of the shore we will not make any progress nor will we reach the distant shore. As a Christ-follower, I understand that unless we are willing to risk and venture to places that are difficult, some may never hear the good news of Jesus Christ. For years, I have lived with the sobering realization that the Great Commission (Matthew 28:19-20) says, “Go” — but says nothing about returning. While I am not comfortable with that thought, I have accepted it. I am committed to something bigger than myself — something worth living and dying for. For me, God’s purposes are worth the risk; even if that means that someday I don’t make it home.

A.W. Tozer said that “every advance that we make for God and for His cause must be made at our inconvenience.” I agree. And every advance has its inherent risks. The Apostle Paul certainly understood that. Because he aspired to preach the gospel in places where Christ was not known (Rom. 15:20), Paul exposed himself to and experienced all kinds of troubles (read 2 Cor. 11:22-33). However, centuries later, we are the beneficiaries of Paul’s willingness to be inconvenienced and to expose himself to risk. But, what about us? Tozer observed that “we look around for convenience, thinking we can reach the mountain peak conveniently and without trouble or danger to ourselves.” Life does not work that way. “Mountain climbers are always in peril,” said Tozer, “and they are always advancing at their inconvenience.” And, I would add, at great risk.

Possibilities | Taking responsible risks necessarily includes weighing the possibilities. When weighing the possibilities, it’s important to focus on facts and not just feelings. And, focusing on facts means looking beyond the things that you want to see to consider the things that you need to see. I don’t have a death wish nor do I wish to take reckless risks. I make it a point to do my homework on where I am going and to communicate often with my prospective hosts. On rare occasions, my hosts have warned me not to come because they felt the danger level in their area was too high. I have learned to listen and to respect their decisions. However, while taking calculated and responsible risks may reduce liability, it is not an absolute guarantee that nothing may go wrong.

Opting for what we may feel is the safer option may not always be the safer option. When the spies reported to Moses what they had seen in the Promised Land, ten of the spies said it would be too risky to go in and possess the land. These men failed to consider the risk of not going in to possess the land (Num. 13:25-33) and an entire generation suffered as a result. There are always risks associated with not taking risks. Shakespeare wrote, “There is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat. And we must take the current when it serves, or lose our ventures.” So, our options are not between taking risks and avoiding risks, but rather which of these risks we will take. Each offers its own reward.

Pedagogy | Risk can be a powerful teacher. Failure is one of the possibilities of taking and not taking risks. If we learn from these failures we will be better suited to apply what we learned to our next risk. Sir Ranulph Fiennes, described as “the world’s greatest living explorer” by the Guinness Book of Records, said, “It is vital that young children are taught to understand and manage risk from an early age.” Sheltering our children from all risk is risky business. As parents it’s hard to let go and to allow our kids to take risks. But, we must learn to let go a little at a time so that they can learn to manage risks. Skinned knees, playground bruises, dealing with bullies, and more become a part of the lessons that can help them to understand and manage risks.

The reality is that risk is all around us. In the past year, several teenagers and adults have been killed in automobile-related accidents within a mile of our church. While these individuals may have felt that they were not at risk driving and exercising along our beautiful crape myrtle lined boulevards, they were at risk. And, regardless of whether or not we realize it, we too are always exposed to some measure of risk whether at home or abroad. That’s why we must understand, manage, and learn to live with risk.

P = The letter “P” reminds us that purpose is at the core of passion. Purpose changes everything. It impacts the decisions we make and the directions we take. We must clearly know and understand why God placed us on the planet and how we are to relate to Him and the interests of His kingdom. The Westminster Catechism (1647) states, “Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy Him forever.” Have you discovered your purpose?

A = The letter “A” reminds us that we give attention to the things about which we are most passionate. When we are not thinking about other things, thoughts of what we are most passionate about generally occupy our minds. Paul said, “Set your minds on the things above, not on the things that are on earth” (Colossians 3:2). What do you think about?

S = The letter “S” reminds us that we speak concerning what we are most passionate about. Those passionate about God and His kingdom always look for opportunities to talk about or to turn conversations toward Him. Peter said, “for we cannot stop speaking what we have seen and heard” (Acts 4:20). What do you talk about?

S = The letter “S” reminds us that those consumed by a passion for God and His kingdom are those most willing to make a sacrifice. They are willing to lay it all on the line for a cause bigger than themselves. They demonstrate courage and take risks. Jim Elliot, martyred in Ecuador in 1956, said, “Do not give yourself to what others can and will not do, but to what others cannot and will not do.” What are you giving yourself to?

I = The letter “I” reminds us that those consumed by a passion for God and His kingdom make involvement a priority. They cannot sit passively by while others pray, give, and go. They are willing to get their uniforms dirty. William Lindsey, the man who ran the entire distance of the Great Wall, said, “My experience is that unless you make a commitment opportunities pass by. Life seemed full of people who talked about achievement yet never did anything more adventurous than watch television.” Are you in the race?

O = The letter “O” reminds us that those consumed by a passion for God order their lives around His Word. Their priorities reflect their commitment to bigger-picture concerns. Paul said, “But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ” (Philippians 3:7). Are His priorities yours?

N = The letter “N” reminds us that the those consumed by a passion for God nurture their passion. They reject anything that causes their love for God to grow cold and intentionally work to cultivate closeness with God. The Psalmist wrote, “As the deer pants for the water brooks, so my soul pants for Thee, O God” (Psalm 42:1). Are you drawing closer to God every day?